Get-well-jail

Apart from the usual ickiness of back-to-back days in town, I am heavy with some serious questions. Concerning 3 months of my life.

So, I've been on the wait-list for the St.Paul's residential eating disorder program for a long time. I've been on the wait-list for several programs, actually, and on Wednesday I finally was admitted to their out-patient program. (These wait-lists can be up to 12 months long.) I'm really glad about this, because it means that they provide me with weekly individual councelling (in addition to the weekly therapist I've been seeing for the last 6 months), a personal nutritionist, and group and family therapy if I want it. This all takes place at Vista house, which is their residential treatment centre. So I had this long meeting with the coordinator there, and she told me that I would stay in the out-patient program until my name comes up for the residential program. And the deal with the residential program is this: I'd live at Vista house (with 6 or 7 other patients) for 3 months. Every day we'd have breakfast (monitored), and then go to St.Paul's for an all-day therapy regime, come home for dinner and reflections, etc. If I wanted to leave Vista I'd have to get a day-pass. I've known about this for a long time, but I didn't think my name would come up until the winter. But, in fact, later that day I got a call to start the Readiness program, which you have to graduate from in order to start at Vista house. So it sounds like if I decided to go into Vista, it could be as early as October.

Holy shit!

My mind has been slightly blown these last few days. Firstly, I feel like such an imposter - like they've mistaken me for someone else. I don't look anorexic anymore... was that all just a dream? Did I invent it? But they don't admit anyone who hasn't already done a whole bunch of work, gained a healthy BMI, and is committed to full recovery. Still I feel like they might kick me out after a week or two. (They tell me that all anorexics think they don't deserve to be called anorexic, are not ill enough or thin enough to deserve treatment.) Secondly, the thought of living with other anorexics is slightly horrifying... as is being trapped in an inconspicuous east van house with nothing beautiful around it. Thirdly, this is 3 whole months of putting my life on pause. No work, no socializing, no hanging out on Bowen, no marketing of the album...
My first instinct is to turn it down. Without it, I'll still have 2 weekly therapists (!), a nutritionist, medical supervision, and access to group programs. Surely, that will be enough for me to really conquer this in due time. But on the other hand, Vista has rave reviews as being an incredible, transformative experience. It's a precious resource, and I am damned lucky to have a chance to use it. I won't have to pay anything. And maybe it's what I need to truly uproot this thing. But how can I leave my job for 3 months? What about my tropical escape in the winter? What about my music?
Blargh.
Input on this would be most welcome.

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