to sit or not to sit

I am a big fan of routines. I mean, the helpful, good ones. Basically, practice. But, this brings us to the difficult issue of Choice. There are only so many hours in the day, and it's really not sufficient time! But I realized today, with a bang, how much I need to reinstate a meditation practice. I used to sit for 30 minutes every morning, and it helped me a lot, with everything in my life. I remember feeling that it was the only thing I had ever discovered that could actually improve my life, and that I would never stop doing it, no matter what. Whoops.
You know what, though? It wasn't an accident. I got really mad at Mindfulness, and Metta, and all that beautiful stuff, simply because I duped myself. I was in a really depressingly flat relationship with a very kind person I couldn't bear to hurt. And I used the unattachment and wanting/not-wanting teachings to trick myself into thinking that it was just my ego-mind that was grasping at something 'better'... looking for the greener grass. When I finally left the guy, I went through this period of total rage - I was just so, so angry for being locked up for so long. Furious at myself and all of that peacefulness-acceptance-unconditional-love stuff. I wanted to rip myself to shreds, tear off all my niceness and softness and step into an iron tank and blow everything up GRARRR!
Hence, "Peace is Every Step" and "A Path with Heart" and all their gentle friends got chucked into a bin and gathered dust for a long time, while I started looking for a good way to hurt myself real bad. Or something like that. Grow some spikes that would keep the puppy dogs away from me. Or something like that.
So, well, I've lost my spikes now and am all covered up in soft cushy flesh again. And that rage comes back when I find myself getting caught in that cycle of shame and disgust about my weight, and I feel so trapped because I know I can't start starving myself again. I know I need to somehow learn to respect nature and the human body it's letting me borrow for this lifetime.
Anyhow, it's time to get back to the meditation and all that brilliant simple wisdom. But not passively this time. I've got to look for my Buddhist warrior.

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