Arachnid Zeppelin

Okay, this might be long...

I've decided not to do the readiness program, or the wellness jail. I opened my eyes to a few key things this week. One is that I am on a really good path, am really lucky to be where I am, and don't want to jeopardize that with a 3 month stint with struggling women. My therapist agrees, so that's settled. Part of why I'm doing so well these days is the feeling of momentum and forward movement in my life. And nothing challenges me more than getting out there every day and pushing through the shit that freaks me out and makes me feel awful, and working with everything that comes up because of it. That's therapy.

I finished my novel. It was delicious. Huge improvement to quality of daily commute. Also finished memorizing Tintern Abbey. That one took a while - I started about a month ago. 159 lines... but I guess that would be nothing for an actor. It's a great feeling, knowing these words inside and out. Meanings unfold to me like sleepy flowers. And somehow even the lines I can't quite decipher make sense. I came to my favourite part yesterday:
"...knowing that nature never did betray the heart that loved her; 'Tis her privilege, through all the years of this our life, to lead from joy to joy: For she can so inform the mind that is within us, so impress with quietness and beauty, so feed with lofty thoughts, that neither evil tongues, rash judgements, nor the sneers of selfish men, nor greetings where no kindness is, nor all the dreary intercourse of daily life, shall e'er prevail against us..."
To me, that says almost everything that could ever need to be said.

My thoughts of Maui have started to wander. I realized that it's not just a climate change I'm craving, but a culture change. Warmth - in the weather but also in the people. I am thinking of Costa Rica and Panama. Next, I've got to find a few travel books, and start honing in on a real plan. I mentioned that I painted my room on the weekend - that meant I could finally put things up on the walls. The entire wall adjacent to my bed is taken up by an enormous world map. I haven't had that up for years... my brother ordered it from National Geographic, and it's pretty spectacular. Awe-inspiring, truly, to lay beside a drawing of Earth's expanse of ocean and land, and contemplate all the places I have never been, will never be. Though I'm determined to stick a few dozen more flags in that map before I die.

It feels good to have my hair back - my painted hair, I mean. Not sure why... it just gives me a certain sense of decisiveness. A willingness not to hide. I'm starting to formulate a picture in my mind of who/what I want, visually, to be. Unrelated to weight and body shape. I am a costume fiend, have been since I was first tottering around. But I haven't even done dress-up for Halloween in years. I know exactly what clothes, from which eras, I want to be dressed in. And I'm going to get those clothes made for me, if only for performance. And have my peacock hair and zebra face-paint, and my lace collars and white gloves and town hats, and my cake, and eat them all too. (Remind me of this if I ever try to talk myself into high heels and short skirts again.)

Speaking of stupid clothes, I went off the rocker the other day and parted with over $300 in a clothing store, while I was stuck in the ferry time-gap. It was a jacket, a gorgeous burnt-orange leather jacket, with the greatest detailing. Made myself sit on my hands when I got home and think it through properly. It's unreal how compelling and enchanting clothes can be. So much promise. But here's the hard line: I can't wear it in the rain, it's not warm enough for winter, I couldn't wear it on a hike, and it's too fitted and self-conscious-making for me right now. So I gotta wipe the drool off my face, and take it back. Strange how hard it is, always is. The gleaming objects call oh so sweetly, and it takes such bad-ass discipline to say no and practice prioritizing. After all, $300 is half a plane ticket... Or 3/4 of a studio day.

So, tomorrow is the long-awaited extra day for mixing. I've got my list of little things to tweak, and then a big question mark over the tune I'm fence-sitting. The problem is that I really need to consult my producer about the editing, but he won't be there. So I have to fiddle around with it with the engineer, or wait til November for another studio day. Da-amn! But I'm not going to sweat it. Something will resolve itself tomorrow, I feel certain.

One last thing: Did you know that spiders can balloon themselves to far-away destinations? It's true. They can let out a bit of silk, and use it as a kind of parachute, and sail in the wind... across oceans, even. I let a spider as big as a cookie outside this evening. I wonder if she can balloon? Seems unlikely. But maybe that's how she came to Bowen.

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