the engagement

If Kauai was a man, I'd already have a ring on my finger. We're in love.

(As I was swimming today, I spotted a shadow in the water - a turtle. A wave came and I lost him. A few minutes later, his head popped out of the water, not 2 feet away from me. I don't know who was more startled. Another huge wave came, I was dunked and tossed around, quite possibly entangled with my turtle. I took it as a sign.)

When I am Mistress of this island, I will be just and kind. I will protect the monk seals and the endangered birds and the unassuming locals. I will also have to make a few new laws concerning tourists. There are a lot of resort-types here with avocados up their asses. They're rude and pompous and conservative and look down at girls who ride their bikes in swimsuits, with sandy feet and frazzled hair and bags of market produce on their bicycle handles. (Not to name any names.) They yell at said girls, "Get off the road!" They frown when these girls say "HI!" when cruising past them on their tidy walkways. They cluster around souvenir stalls and demand better prices on the freshwater pearls. They mob around scenic hotspots. They fill every corner of cultured lawn with their beach chairs and chip bags. It's a bit off-putting.

When I am Mistress of this island, all visitors will have to sign a form guaranteeing adherence to rules of liberal congeniality, environmental protection and respect of all life forms. Anyone who is caught breaking this agreement will be subject to penalties and fines. (For example, 48 hours without a car, laptop, iphone or digital camera.)

I wonder what sort of offspring I will have with Kauai? I'm sure there must be some kind of parallel in Greek Mythology that I could learn from. Maybe our children will be Gods of Pineapple, Goddesses of Lava Rock?

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