textile torture

What a perfect afternoon. So quiet and now rainy. Been thinking these last few days how much easier Autumn is to handle than Winter. The big explosions of colour on the trees and the bright leaves on the ground make the gray skies so much more beautiful.
I had a FNC last night - the first one in a while. Man, I'm bad at this stuff. From the moment I woke up yesterday morning I was all tangled in a knot. Irritable, cranky, discontent - just had this vague anxiety all day without even realizing it was because of the upcoming 'night out'. Blech, shudder, yuck, gross. When the time came to go out- and as usual it took me 5 times longer than necessary to get ready, because I was so nervous - I almost squirmed out of my skin, March to the Scaffold running through my mind. I used to wish I had an invisibility bubble to go out in. Now I wish I had an obscuring bubble. I want to see people and have them see me - I kind of like some of the social interaction. But I dread the scrutiny... if I had a film of haziness I could drape around myself so that I was like a blurry picture, that would make me feel safe.

A lot of this anxiety comes from not quite knowing how to express who I am in a visual way. I hate fashion and I hate trends. And I hate the stereotypes that different styles create. In my day to day life, it's not an issue. I wear something that's comfy and is suited to the weather, go straight from Bowen to work and back, end of story. But for a show, suddenly it becomes a crisis... I like to dress up, but everything I try on feels like a disguise or cover - some kind of false statement. I want to perform, but I don't want to be seen. Kind of a problem.

I've been thinking about this lots, and thinking about what it is that I would want to wear, that would feel like me, and wouldn't feel like me trying to look like something I'm supposed to be. End result: I've hired a seamstress/designer to make me a dress! Late 1700s-inspired. We went fabric shopping the other day at this amazing Indian fabric store, and chose some gorgeous satins and chiffons. I'm super excited. Now I don't have to search in stores for something that doesn't exist; I'm just going to have it made, dammit. Garment #1 of my future Wardrobe.

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