It's a wild mess out there - the colour all but gone from the trees. Strong dreams mixed in with my thoughts again this morning. Every night I dream of travel and of something to do with performance. My subconscious is mashing it out non-stop, 24 hours a day, kneading like a breadmaker. Turning that dough over and over. I can feel it, you know. Rising. Go to sleep, and whack-whack, pulverize it, work out all the air bubbles. Then it rises again. I'm outside, walking fast as my legs can take me, sucking in that sweet air, and there's that rising in my chest. Like wings, like a hot air balloon. And I have this sense that one of these days, it's going to just lift me right off the ground, and I'm going to float up to the very tops of the trees, even higher. Maybe like tonight, or at some other show, it will suddenly inflate in me and I'll go drifting up and hover above all that anxiety and dread and insecurity and look down at it and laugh and wonder. I don't know how to put this into words... I keep getting flashes of a vision of who I really am and what that means for the life I live - flashes, big pieces of the puzzle. It gives me the greatest sense of excitement and peace. There's some kind of truth about myself that is struggling to rise up to the surface, and I can wait for it.
I am looking forward to tonight - even though it's just a little gig. I might not be the least concerned what anyone thinks. Actually, for real. Free from that binding self-consciousness - is it wholly possible? I don't know yet... but I feel like I'm going to be met by my child self who acted and danced and played and dressed up, just for the joy and thrill of it and for the pleasure of sharing something. Maybe a part of me that has been quashed for - 20 years?- is alive and is able to take the reigns again. Excited, saying, "Come look what I made !!"
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