home

On the airplane and heading home. Last night we played our last show, and I'm happy to say we kicked ass. Even if nobody knew it but us.

I've come to realize that a solo tour would be a very difficult and lonely venture. Not just for the lack of company, but for the lack of commiseration and connection. Audiences vary greatly from show to show. There will probably always be times when I'm met by blank uncomprehending stares. But it almost doesn't matter as long as I'm connected with my band. We look at each other, grinning, after every song. Exchange meaningful looks, laugh, exclaim - just get high on our own energy. Last night was the finest example of this. We've never been more locked in, precise but loose and free, energetically entwined. It was way too much fun, and I think the audience enjoyed it too.

It's apparently a known fact that Montreal audiences are cool, very cool. Someone tossed me a casual, 'Hey, c'est bon. It was good," with a look of gracious condescension. Even the opening band, whom I enthusiastically congratulated at length for their excellent set, was dispassionate. 'You guys sounded great,' full stop. Pretty hard to read. But that was the tone of the evening. Neutral, noncommittal, quite positive but with a whisper of snobbery, or arrogance, or perhaps just reserve. A far cry from the warm, generous camaraderie of my bandmates, the unabashed joie de vivre of my drummer and the kind and gentle humility of my bass player. I am so glad that I had them by my side through this tour, which was something of an initiation for me.

I burned through a pretty staggering amount of money for this tour, so I've got some serious budgeting to attend to when I get home. Lots of people would probably question my sanity for investing so much in an unprofitable, low-profile and modestly-attended tour. But it's worth it to me. Every real working musician knows you have to pay your dues, and the financial investment is really a show of good faith. 'With this money I thee wed…' I choose this life, with all its challenges, and I consider it to be an acceptance of terms to lay my money where my mouth is. I know it'll work out. It is incumbent on me to take risks. And, after all, what the hell else would I spend my money on, if not my life-long dreams? Distractions from my dreams? Compensation for not following my dreams? Screw that.

My ambitions are running high now. This tour gave me a good clear look at my strengths and weaknesses as a musician. I won't extrapolate on all the things I want to work on, but suffice it to say my to-do list is very very long.

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