from this morning

Freezing cold in Windsor - stepping out of the van, a biting wind, driving rain. A strange and quiet town, Detroit looming across the river. I hear such tales of Detroit; now I want to go there so badly. A semi-abandoned wretched half-glory, a place that calls to me.

Sitting in the back seat again; the guys are raising their fists, making battle sounds at the free jazz howlings. Talking the way guys do, reminiscing about shows, throwing around names of dozens of players I've never heard of. I'm in awe of them. They're older, and they've existed in a musical world that I've never so much as put one toe into… the world of heavy heavy jazz and free improvised creative music; my heart still hankers for that world. Will I ever go there or is it something I'm just meant to draw inspiration from and admire from a distance? There are certain aspects of my music that I feel satisfied with. But in other ways, I crave more power, almost violence, musical exorcisms. I don't know how to achieve it other than with a larger ensemble behind me. I want the force of a drumkit in my playing. The keyboard is frustratingly limiting. I can't push my energy through it the way I could with a real piano. I feel held back by my voice too. I just can't sing at the level of ferocity that the band is capable of, and short of screaming, I don't know how to get more volume from my lungs. Practice. Need to practice. I'm not so interested in making subtle, sensitive music right now unless I've got an audience that reaaaally wants to listen.

Last night was a 'listen with half of one ear while talking to my buddies' kind of crowd. They seemed to dig it. As per usual, it seemed to really hit home for 2 or 3 people, make a somewhat vague impression on a few more, and pass over the heads of all the rest of them. Confused feedback. "Dude. It was like: okay, whoa, where are we going now?!" There are 3 tunes in the set that are groove-based enough to wash over everything pleasantly; the rest of them leave people disoriented unless they're paying really close attention. And even then…
It's okay, I'm not surprised. I don't need to be more accessible, necessarily. I do want to have enough moments of direct communication, though, to make an impact on even the less-sensitive types. Maybe that's hoping for too much. Got lots to work on. Have to try to reign in my expectations and appreciate the small successes, not get too swept up in my desire to be better NOW. One more show, tomorrow night in Montreal.
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