the company of peonies

I suppose I just live in my own world, a world where my nose is buried in flowers. I step out now and again and am chased back inside by limitations and pessimism. Damn - it's hard to not get infected by that version of reality. Trying to keep my dreams close and my vision of life in the forefront of my mind today.

It's somehow a nicer morning than it was yesterday, even though the sky is gray again. There is a understated sparkle on the water. I felt at conflict with everything yesterday and didn't make time to go outside. Won't make that mistake again today. This is my version of reality, right here.

I don't know what success is but I meet lots of people who are concerned with that and in their company I feel great doubt. I find that I fall into my own trap - I keep trying to inject some of my own energy and positivism into people who seem to need it. Unconsciously. I open up my reality and try to invite them in. It almost never works and I should learn that it's not helpful. Rather, they do the same thing - try to bring me into their reality - and I end up feeling lessened and weak. Then again, if I keep my thoughts to myself and try not to interfere with their energy, I still get pulled down. Something I have to keep working on.

It is too painful to lose my optimism - my faith. Let's just call it faith. I don't ask to stop feeling vulnerability and pain and doubt. Can you be called a living creature without those things? But I'm not prepared to face them without faith again. Don't know how I'd survive that. I hope that one day I will have the courage to open myself up more, and be less afraid of doubt. For now, maybe it's okay to be guarded and to insulate myself whenever I can from the sort of nose-diving energies that are swirling around out there. I don't like to think that I am living in a fantasy world where everything is possible and good, so long as I don't ask anyone else's opinion. No, I don't want that. I think the answer has something to do with compassion; I'll keep thinking about it.
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