brief hermitage

It's kind of a dull day outside, and so I feel a bit dull myself. I'm not really low, but low enough to catch myself wishing I was someplace else. It's easy to slip into that, but I don't want to. I want to stay with this raw dullness and try to see it for what it is.
One thing I see right away - not a revelatory insight, but a childish urge. I want to jump on a big trampoline. I want a large gulp of fun. Too bad I don't have a trampoline. I also would really like to swim today. I am so relaxed and full of well-being when I'm in the water. I wonder if it's the ol' back-in-the-womb feeling. Or if it is just a relief to be rid of gravity for a while. Or if it's because I get to feel non-human and animal/fish-like. Away from human dilemmas.

I also see that there is a soft layer of sadness over my heart. Sleepiness. Nothing dramatic, just a quiet hum like a misting rain. The sadness is connected to the dullness; my insides are disappointed by the world looking dull. How absurd. But it is the feeling one gets when a lover becomes distant and closed. It's the feeling of something being withdrawn. This thought occurred to me the other day when I was on my way to work on a brilliant and dazzling morning, passing by views of the ocean and mountains that squeezed all of the longing out of my heart. And I just felt as though someone I achingly loved and missed had come back to me.

But oh, what a fair-weather friend I am to nature. I know it, I know it. These are just the puerile remarks of my puerile spirit, wanting pleasure first.

I'm looking at the books of poetry on my shelf. Each of those books is a man's life. Part of a man's life at least. "The Complete Works of..." Yes, I think that's a man's life. I flip through them, scanning for something to hold today. Imagine being immortalized in a book, and poured over by people looking to you for wisdom or solace, or just something. Imagine.

I tried Byron and Blake, but I settle on Ryokan. So much more acceptance there of life.
Here are two that resonate me with right now:

Standing alone beneath a solitary pine;
Quickly the time passes.
Overhead the endless sky --
Who can I call to join me on this path?

..

Intermittent rain -- in my hermitage
A solitary light flickers as dreams return.
Outside, the sound of falling raindrops.
My black, gnarled staff leans against the wall.
The fireplace is cold, no charcoal awaits my
imagined visitors.
I reach for a volume of poems.
Tonight, in solitude, deep emotion.
How can I explain it the following day?

..

I think I will go back to my music now. No pressure to write anything or make anything perfect. Here's one more from Ryokan, making me smile:

Thirsty, I've filled myself with sake;
lying beneath the cherry blossoms --
Splendid dreams


..