Declaration

Well, I've been humbled. Here it is, the plain old truth:
If I don't practice with every spare second I've got, I might as well throw in the towel. I've got so much work ahead of me, it's frightening. No more messing around. No more idling. I have to become so bulletproof as a performer that no situation in a live show can throw me. So that I'll be worthy of the musicians I want to play with, and deserve to rise to the level I aspire to. There just is no way around it. I need to memorize all of my music, even if it kills me. And then be able to play it, at the drop of a hat, anywhere, for anyone. This is my challenge: 3 upcoming shows. Nov 17th, Dec. 2nd and Dec 11th. 60% memorized for the 1st one, 80% for the second one, 100% for the third. By God, until Dec 11th, I must live and breathe my music.

Is this too much? No, I don't think so. I have been playing music with some people that just clobber and shame me with their dazzling ability and dedication. I can't deny it - a huge part of me is always motivated by wanting to win the respect and admiration of the people that I look up to. I wrestle with that a lot - trying to be clear about my intentions. Do I want this because I want it for myself, or do I want it so that I can feel accepted and somehow special? It's almost impossible to separate those strands. But I know that unless I push myself, I feel unfulfilled and unworthy as a human being. That never stops or changes. But the feelings of inadequacy do seem to be getting better. That is, I am no longer so convinced of my "just-can't-do-it-ness". Maybe I can do it. But I've got to light a fire under my ass.

On another note: I lost my journal. I don't know how or when. I take it everywhere with me, so it could be anywhere. What a gross feeling. I don't really care if it gets read by someone. It's just that it's like a piece of my history - gone. So many notes, lyrics, ideas, lists, drafts of letters, phone numbers, doodles, rants and raves. Ack... journal - come back to me! We weren't finished, you and I!

Okay - you know what I'll be doing tonight. And forever after if you don't hear from me again.

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